Difficult People: Own Your Side of the Equation

Perhaps it has crossed your mind once or twice to just throw a sucker punch at that difficult person in your life—you’re not alone. After all, it is their fault, isn’t it? They are the difficult one and getting them out of the equation should solve the problem. Not so fast.

Unfortunately, many of us approach this problem thinking that since the other person is the difficult one, they represent the whole equation. This cannot be farther from the truth. In fact, it is an approach that often leads to disappointment and disillusionment. In my experience—both professionally and personally—it is often best to acknowledge that in the relationship equation, there are at least two variables—you, and the other person.

Low hanging fruit…

When dealing with difficult people, a good place to start is to own your side of the equation and recognize that you may not be able to “fix” the other person—even if you have a world-class left hook. Conventional wisdom would suggest that if you are weak from hunger and find yourself in a fruit orchard, you go first for the low-hanging fruit. After your hunger is satisfied and you have gained some strength, then you can think of climbing the tree and getting more fruit. Well, guess what? You are that low-hanging fruit. You have access to you—your perception, your reality, and your attitude, all of which are within your control.

If you are going to diffuse tension and conflict in your professional and personal relationships, it is best to start with the variable that you have the most control over, and that is you. Starting with you puts the possibility of success at 50% which is a much better place to start than at 0%. Any real and lasting change in the other person’s output will have to come from them owning their side of the equation.

Nothing dies under the rug…

Earlier in my leadership journey, I struggled with the lack of courage to confront difficult people and situations, neglecting to take care of my side of the equation. I loved my peace, and would do anything to keep it that way, even if it meant “sweeping it under the rug.” This resulted in many of my professional relationships not going past the superficial stage—perhaps you can relate. As I got more involved in leadership positions, I realized this was not going to work because nothing dies under the rug. I realized that the conversation you avoided today becomes your reality tomorrow.

Decide on your ideal outcome…

The beauty of deciding on a preferred outcome before the conversation with a difficult person is found in one of my favorite quotes attributed to Jimmy Dean: “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

Sailors do not spend time worrying about which direction the wind is blowing. They know where they are going and adjust the sails, as necessary. The bottom line is that we have to know what we want and learn to be flexible.

Here are four hard truths you may have to contend with when dealing with difficult people:

1. They may not know that they are perceived by others, or by you, as being difficult.
2. They may want to change their behavior but not know how or where to start.
3. They may not have a desire to change because they are comfortable or set in their ways.
4. They may believe that they do not have the capacity to change.

While these truths are often overlooked, they eventually show up and leave many people scratching their heads wondering what went wrong. None of these truths present a challenge that is insurmountable. In all four instances, the place to start is by having a conversation. My mantra to my coaching clients is this: “Have the conversation. Have it early, have it often.” Whether in life or at work, if the goal is to have a successful relationship you must have conversations that matter. No conversation, no relationship.

Remember, it starts with owning your side of the equation. How are you managing the difficult people and conversations in your life? What are you doing to own your side of the equation?